George Bush accepts the invitation to join Saddam Hussein in a debate via satellite from dual locations in the Oval Office (Washington, DC USA) and King Nebuchadnezzar's Palace (Baghdad, Iraq).

MODERATOR CHRISTIANE AMANPOUR: Tonight the world is privileged to witness the debate between two warring parties, which may, in effect, prevent the nations they represent from waging a real war potentially resulting in the loss of thousands of civilian lives. Each of you will be allocated 30 seconds for which to reply to leading journalists' questions and 30 seconds for rebuttals. Preceding this televised debate, Mr. Hussein won the draw for the first question.

We begin with MR. SEAN HANNITY of FOX NEWS.SEAN HANNITY: Mr. Hussein, your country has had 12 long years to disarm chemical, biological, and nuclear weapons of mass destruction. Why have you refused to comply with UN resolutions demanding that you do so within the extended timeframe?

SADDAM: We have! We've been disarmed since 1992, and on my word's honor I haven't hidden any such weapons as a contingency should U.S. forces invade my country. Trust me! If anyone has information to the contrary, let them come forward or else shut their infidel mouths.

BUSH: Saddam, there you go again! You have not given account of the thousands of tons of chemical and biological weapons that my Daddy and Defense Secretary Donald Rumseld sold you 1983-1988 to spray on the Iranians. That's how I know you've got them, you evil doer! I've got the receipts! And those 12,000 pages of documents you gave the UN Inspectors last December? I had to whittle 8,000 pages out of them because you were just ratting on my Daddy and giving details how US and European corporations supplied WMD with Daddy's government's full knowledge and approval. So, you never gave the inspectors any information because I purged the documents before they had a chance to see them.

PETER JENNINGS: Mr. Bush, information continues to surface that you are involved in an organization called PROJECT FOR A NEW AMERICAN CENTURY 1997-2001 in which you advocate the use of strong US military force to build an American Empire rivaling that of the Romans and that to accomplish such would require the acquisition of Middle East oil. Mr. Bush, do you deny or admit that you belong to such an organization and that your cabinet is packed with members of PNAC who are spearheading the drive to attack Iraq to gain American dominance in military might as well as monopolizing the world's energy supplies?

BUSH: Why, shucks? What's that you call it, Peter?

JENNINGS: Project for a New American Century, sir.

BUSH: Well... I kinda remember my little brother Jeb meeting with Rumsfeld, Cheney, Wolfowitz, Perle, and shit-for-brains Dan Quayle a few years back about seeing the need to kick Saddam's ass so it'd make the US look strong to them ragheads. But I don't remember anything mentioned about OIL or nothin' `though most of those guys who met were oil company big shots. No, why I want Saddam's ass kicked is for FREEDOM! Yes, we're going to make that there country Iraq liberated after we blow their livin' brains out and then set up a perfect democracy that all those other raghead countries can look up to. The oil belongs to the Iraqis after we get through paying for our little war and after I get through paying back my energy exec buddies for getting me in office.

SADDAM: Didn't we tell you? Bush had a plot to invade my country six years ago and is now deceiving the Americans into believing the war is about freedom or 9/11 or weapons or torture. I want the world to know I treat my people fairly I allow them to visit my 100 palaces once a month to pay homage to his majesty, the reincarnation of King Nebuchadnezzar ME! And the only reason I have torture chambers down in my basements is for sport I sort have been involved in one of those, whatcha call it? S&M fantasies where I get off having babes tie me up with chains and using whips on me. The oil for food program that the UN set up helps repair all my palaces so the Iraqi citizens can be proud once more. I only torture those people proven disloyal to me and I personally shoot traitors right in front of everyone sitting in the room including my son-in-law who spilled the beans to the CIA. What's wrong with showing a little initiative? I'm courageous!

DAN RATHER of CBS: Mr. Hussein, are you admitting to personally executing people while others witness such atrocities?

SADDAM: Why, yes, of course. What did I just say? I don't hide behind secret organizations to do my dirty work like my opponent does with his so-called Project for a New American Century, Carlyle Group, Skull & Bones, and Federalist Society. At least I'm open and honest about getting rid of dissidents! I don't have a hired-hand attorney general to do my torture, like Bush, and I don't set up "accidents" where small planes are downed right before elections. I shoot traitors down into a pool of blood right in my chambers while my cabinet watches.

BUSH: That's nasty, Saddam! How can you?! It's unfair, Saddam, what you said about those groups I belong to! I'm not smart enough to be active in any of them there outfits I just make sure my cabinet is full of those people so they can control the country, that's all. No problem. I personally don't have enough smarts in all these foreign matters and didn't know any world leader back when running for president except I knew the BinLadens well `cause they invested millions in my failed companies back in the 70s and 80s. So groups like Carlyle and Federalist whatchamacallit don't take my membership serious `cause I can't even spell their names! Shucks, I'm just a hometown boy from way out in West Texas! Haven't been there in a coon's age, but what the hey?

TOM BROKAW of NBC: Mr. President, it is projected that this war could cost anywhere from $300 billion to $1.9 TRILLION. Why not just clandestinely remove an offending regime rather than pillage the enemy nation while bankrupting our own economy in the process?

BUSH: $1.9 TRILLION?

BROKAW: Yes, that's one of the estimates, Mr. President.

BUSH: I figure if we can go into Iraq before Saddam can set fire to the well heads and if we can extract enough oil to pay for this war, that'll be how it'll be covered. Besides, what's a few billion here and there? We offered billions already for countries to join our COALITION OF THE WILLING, so a few billion here and there don't hurt. After all, it ain't my money; it's the taxpayers'! I'll just cut their taxes to pay for it. That's it! If we cut taxes down to barebones (especially for my super rich pals), then we can use the surplus to pay for the Iraq War, and after that the Iran War, then the Syria War, then the Libya War, and then the North Korea War got to get rid of that goofy looking pygmy, Kim what's his name.... And by that time Red China should be fooling around with Taiwan, so we'll bomb the hell out of Shanghai; then take care of Pakistan and India, bomb them, then Russia, then....

SADDAM: (Interrupts Bush) See, I told you so! Mr. Bush isn't just after me, he's after everyone. I'm telling you the guy's NUTS! You think I have a screw missing, look at him! I'm surprised France wasn't mentioned on your list....

BUSH: Oh, yeah, thanks for reminding me! Add France to the list....those double crossin' wimps....

SADDAM: That's my point. I may be a ruthless dictator son of a bitch, but this guy! Well, he's out of his ever lovin' fuckin' mind! Bush and Cheney are MAD MEN! Who died and made him God? He's seen nothing until he faces the Mother of all Battles I'm about to unleash on him!

AL JAZEERA Broadcasting: Mr. Hussein, are you admitting to unleashing weapons of mass destruction on US forces entering your country?

SADDAM: Excuse me, that was just a slip of the tongue. I have no weapons as you describe. I gave them to Iran and Syria for safekeeping. We're praying that Allah will avenge the intrusion of the infidels and that Muslims all over the world will join in a Jihaad against those unbelievers attacking Islamic Iraq.

BUSH: My administration isn't opposed to Muslims and I've given strict orders to Attorney General Ashcroft and Homeland Security Secretary Ridge to treat Muslims in the United States with utmost respect. We'll only strip search them three times at the airport instead of once like we do those damned liberal Democrats, those with funny sounding last names, and those who show up with bad credit on their background checks. And we won't detain them indefinitely without three square meals a day so they'll be alert enough so we can squeeze damaging information out of them about fellow Muslims who may have taken vacations to Pakistan or Morocco.

BUSH: Who's calling me crazy? Hey, Saddam, you're a fruitcake!

SADDAM: No, you're nuts and an infidel evil man! Warmonger!

BUSH: No, you're a lunatic evil doer! Murderer! Insane Hussein!

SADDAM: Mad man! Hypocrite! World dictator! Election fraud engineer!

BUSH: Crazy tyrant! Socialist monster! Genocidal maniac!

CHRISTIANE AMANPOUR: Boys! Boys! Please restrain yourselves. We can't have this obnoxious rancor for the first debate of this caliber in world history!

CHRISTIANE AMANPOUR of CNN: Last question is for you, President Bush.... The connection between Al Qaeda and Saddam Hussein has not be substantiated, yet your administration persists on making the case before the American people in order to gain their support for your actions against Iraq. Tonight, would you show us unequivocally that Saddam was somehow involved in 9/11 and/or Al Qaeda?

BUSH: I'm glad you axed me that question, Christianne. Last fall I ordered George Tenet of the CIA to find connection between Iraq and Al Qaeda and they found none except for an Al Qaeda training camp in the Kurdish section of northern Iraq which is off-limits to Saddam Hussein. Then I directed the CIA to INVENT a connection, but they disobeyed me! The connection is proven anyway because I said so! When I say something, I mean it, and nobody better cross me or they're with the terrists. I realize there are probably Al Qaeda sleeper cells in the US, but we are not connected to Osama bin Laden like Saddam is. So, the honest answer is NO, we have found no evidence but only try to fabricate it in order to stir up the American people for war. I said the connection's there, so it's there!

SADDAM: I couldn't have said it better myself. Mr. Bush invents evidence because he can't find any. Osama hates me because I'm a socialist, a member of the secular B'aath Party that rules Iraq. I'm an infidel, according to BinLaden, the same as Bush. But I try to put on the appearance of a good Muslim to get the rest of Islam to back us in a holy war against America just like Bush puts on the appearance of being a good Christian to get the fundamentalist whackos to back him in wars and rigged elections. Hey, I guess we have two things in common! Rigged elections and fake religion!

CHRISTIANE AMANPOUR: Each of you have 30 seconds to make final statements. We start with you, President Bush....

BUSH: I stand before the cameras and microphones of the world tonight more cross-eyed than usual from worrying about the absolute debacle I've made of world diplomacy. I've sabotaged the United Nations, fractured the NATO Alliance, driven a wedge between long-standing allies, and antagonized several volatile nations to the brink of war. I've done good work! It's called job security. I have my work cut out for me after I get through obliterating the entire freakin' world and igniting the planet's hot spots. What can I say? I'm building a legacy for myself one that my grandchildren and my great grandchildren and all the other descendants down through history will remember I'll be remembered as the man who tore the shit out of America and its standing in the world. We've lost respect around the world, and I'm proud of the work I've done to accomplish this. I want my war and I want it NOW! After I get through with my war games it'll be time to work on the economy. I wonder if I can make that even a bigger mess. Now, Saddam, you've got 48 hours to get out of town or else this sheriff is a-comin' after ya!

CHRISTIANE AMANPOUR: Thank you, Mr. Bush. Now, it's your turn, President Saddam Hussein....

SADDAM: My legacy will be remembered for the deaths of thousands I had executed and gassed with chemicals supplied by the United States intended for use on Iran.... But, yes, I am a mean son of a bitch! I had 100 palaces built with the billions of dollars supposed to be spent on my people. I murdered dozens of traitors right out in the open and ordered my staff to watch the horror as a reminder to remain loyal. I invaded Kuwait with the intent to annex it as one of my provinces. I had dreams of establishing an Arab Empire stretching from the Mediterranean Sea and Atlantic to the Indian Ocean. I am the reincarnation of King Nebuchadnezzar of Ancient Babylon and as such am compelled to build monuments to myself at every park and have portraits of me plastered everywhere in my nation. America is coming after me right now. It is time to hide. I pray to Allah that the entire Muslim world rises up in Jihaad against the infidel Americans and their lapdog British.

CHRISTIANE AMANPOUR: That ends our satellite debate tonight. Thank you to the parties for participating.

SADDAM:May I get in one last word in? HELP!! They're coming after me! HELP! Allah, save me!

BUSH: Ah, shut up and surrender, you sorry ass tyrant! Either come out with your hands up or we'll take you out stiff so we can colonize your country!