Sunday January 26, 2003

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing
Iraq: he's running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now
I've been really pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of
doors down the street.

Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both
give me queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something
nasty for me, but so far I haven't been able to discover what.

I've been round to his place a few times to see what he's up to,
but he's got everything well hidden. That's how devious he is. As for
Mr Patel, don't ask me how I know, I just know - from very good sources
- that he is, in reality, a Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street
telling them that if we don't act first, he'll pick us off one by one.

Some of my neighbours say, if I've got proof, why don't I go to
the police? But that's simply ridiculous. The police will say that
they need evidence of a crime with which to charge my neighbours.
They'll come up with endless red tape and quibbling about the rights
and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all the while Mr Johnson will be
finalising his plans to do terrible things to me, while Mr Patel will
be secretly murdering people.

Since I'm the only one in the street with a decent range of
automatic firearms, I reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until
recently that's been a little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush
has made it clear that all I need to do is run out of patience, and
then I can wade in and do whatever I want!

And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out policy
towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace and
security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide
bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries
that have never threatened us.

That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's garage and kill his
wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a lesson. Then he'll
leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that totally unacceptable
way. Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to know before bombing
Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that he has weapons of
mass destruction even if no one can find them. I'm certain I've just as
much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife and children as Mr
Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is to make the world
a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and 'terrorism'.

It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever know
when you've achieved it?

How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out all terrorists? When
every single terrorist is dead? But then a terrorist is only a
terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What about would-be
terrorists? These are the ones you really want to eliminate, since most
of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers, have already eliminated
themselves.

Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out everyone who could possibly be
a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be sure he's achieved his objective
until every Muslim fundamentalist is dead? But then some moderate
Muslims might convert to fundamentalism. Maybe the only really safe
thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate all Muslims?

It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are just the
tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the street who
I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd ways. No one
will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife says I might
be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same logic as the
President of the United States. That shuts her up.

Like Mr Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good
enough reason for the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to
give the whole street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open
and hand over all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws
and interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them
over nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to
kingdom come.

It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing - and, in
contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one
street.